Blue

I never understood why feeling sad was also called feeling blue. I always loved the color, all its shades may except the ink blue. Feeling sad could have been feeling black or grey or purple, but without much further contemplation and analysis.... I AM FEELING BLUE.

As days rush by or may be not rush, as days go by I feel more and more aimless, confused and disorganized. A career, parents, boyfriend, siblings, friends and the The Past and My Happiness all a blur. One tries to either suppress the other or provoke the other. Parents trying to provoke the career, career trying to suppress my happiness, and happiness in return trying to suppress parents, see how the cycle works? Well I too see how the cycle works but its throws me off when i try to understand it.

Lets analyse each other individually....

1. Career : I dont like teaching in the first place and having to do it everyday makes it awful. Ok, thats not true completely. I like teaching as in the classroom teaching but the copies and the politics and the colleagues makes me wanna run away. Every job has its trade-offs. As a school teacher I cannot complain about my salary, comparing with others its pretty good, in fact great. But when i think is this what i really wanna do the instant answer is NO. Is this where i see myself 5 years down the line, again NO. Is this how much I will earn and have increments on, NO NO NO.

2. Parents : They seem distant and stubborn. trying to get me to do the right things for my life. Like getting a degree in teaching and then permanently getting to settle me down to a "job which is very appropriate for a girl". Why is teaching considered a great job for the female society? because a girl can balance well with the family and job front and leave the job whenever the need arises. the other grave problems that the parents face is marriage of the girl i.e. for my parents its me.

3. Boyfriend : Amidst all the problems the small ray of light soon to be extinguished as he find greener pastures in the career front and messing up a lot of things further. And when this is published a phone call as to what the problem is and coming up with bizarre solutions.

4. Siblings : Only one in my case but creating problems so many. Now i have to break down in sub topics for this one. First being the fact that he is getting married and clearing up my way which i dont want at all! Second encouraging me to do something i was very confident off and then backing out leaving me alone and confused. Third giving me crappy advice and messing me up and me ending up fighting with him and speaking harsh unwanted truths.

5. Friends: The best part in ones life that has turned sour for me. My dearest and best living a more happy life that me makes me jealous and want to have a life like them. Well not all of their life but some part of it. Not only they life thousands of kilometers apart from me but not being able to pour my heart out to them makes life so much more difficult and unbearable.

6. The Past: Haunts me and torments me. I just cant get out of it and when i forget it for a few moments, it slaps me in the face and comes back, sometimes with incidents, sometimes with words some times with actions and sometimes as a nightmare.

7. My Happiness : Hopefully I find it soon, otherwise all weird thoughts shroud my mind to bring it to reality.